so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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