Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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