I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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