I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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