Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
