spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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