All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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