just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
