I just gift wrapped bread.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
