I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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