I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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