I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
