I just pynch a tree in the face
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
