we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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