Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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