You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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