Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize