I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
