From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
