I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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