we made out on top of his cat.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
