Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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