it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he fucked my hip out of place.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize