dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
