"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
