just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
