He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
