It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
