I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
