You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
