One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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