I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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