OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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