THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
