theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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