So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
