I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
