If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
