hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
