We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize