My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
