Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
