Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
