omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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