I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
