Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I need to calm my uterus...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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