fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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