i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
