I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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