oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
