Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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