There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize