my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
