He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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