I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize
