I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
