i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
