why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
