I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
