Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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