Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
