I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
