the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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