I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
