I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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