We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
