i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
