his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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