I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
