a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
