i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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