It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
