i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize