you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
